My Isaac often wakes up at night in a panic. He'll climb out of bed and run down the hall not really screaming or crying, but more like "Mmmmmm!Mmmmmmm!" in a crying tone...does that make sense? I'm not sure what he's dreaming about, but whatever it is it doesn't make him feel good. I always calm his fears by holding him close, rocking with him and whispering over & over in Russian, & then English..."Shhh, Spi mladyenets, moi prekrasný. Vash Mama's z'dyess~ Sleep good boy, my beautiful, your mama's here"...I love that he's found security in my arms. I often stop & think of where he'd be today if God hadn't lead us to where we didn't want to go.
Fast forward 7 months & today I couldn't live without my tornado. He's a joy, gives a whole new meaning to the word handful, and a spunky little stinker whose hugs are priceless. I know I kinda shared my hard beginning with Isaac..but I never really went deep. So here it goes.
Isaac's homecoming was a tough one. He had his Burn accident the first morning of being home...not even a full 12 hours in the States & our little guy was in the back of an ambulance. This rough introduction to our kids, our home, & our family took it's toll on everyone, not just my Isaac. We had been away from our 5 kids for almost a full month, the longest before this trip was a span of about 6 hours. Because of the accident we never got to have the so needed bonding time after being apart for so long. Isaac's accident happened at 7:30 a.m. Our kids had gotten to meet him & spent about 1/2 hour getting to know him & us all hugging on each other when all the chaos happened. The ambulance came & I was gone...again. And as far as my kids were concerned, Isaac was the reason. My kids didn't seem to feel the same amount of empathy for our little boy the way Mat & I did. Isaac & I spent the whole day in the hospital together trying to find comfort in each other, but not really being able to. He found absolutely none in me. It was hard to watch this little guy so full of fear & so just longing to be back in the only place he's ever known as home. I know if nothing else, just hearing someone speak his language would have been a comfort. At the time though I didn't know how to say much except please, thank you and good boy. Those words were of no comfort at that time. Isaac rocked himself, sucked his tongue and withdrew into himself for the comfort he needed..something he seemed to familiar with doing. My heart hurt for him like I had never experienced. It was a deep sad hurt and one that left me at a loss of how to really respond. He was close to me, right within reach of being held...but so far away and I didn't really know what to do. When I tried to offer comfort he pushed me away or held his hand out at me in a "STOP" motion. He no longer looked at me as the fun camera girl he played with in Ukraine. Now I was the one who represented pain, disorder, chaos, & disruption of his life. In Ukraine, once Isaac was out of the orphanage he let me get closer to him, would let me put him in my sling and cruise around with him (at that time he only weighed 23 lbs.~he's up to 32 now) and he started to build a bond with me. Well..that was all shot to hell in a hand basket with his homecoming accident. Once we were able to leave the hospital after a long 2 hours in one & a long 13 hours in the second one (he had to be transfer ed to a hospital up north specializing in treating burn victims) life at home was still all about Isaac. It had to be. Our family bonding time with getting to know Isaac without all the bad stuff happening, the smiles, the sharing of memories & adventures from our time apart, the hugs, laughter and joy all had to wait. My husband & I were both in a high states of stress, so our kids were too. I was in a full panic thinking "they" were going to come take Isaac away from us & I didn't even know who "they" were. I panicked over the fact that Isaac didn't want anything to do with me & my other kids were in desperate need of me. I was more then overwhelmed with emotions I didn't expect so I can only imagine what my son must have been feeling. Isaac~Poor little guy..I don't even know what was going through his mind. He had just gone through what has to be the most traumatic event in his short life...& it was still going on. He know doubt just wanted to go back "home"..back to familiar sounds, sights, faces, voices, language...Quite to be expected, he was very withdrawn from us. My other kids didn't really know what to do or how to behave with him. Little by little over the next few days he was able to show more trust in me, but it was more out of necessity then anything else. He really lived for the moment when my husband would come home from work. Mat was the one who Isaac had really made a good connection with in Ukraine & so now here it was Mat that he looked for, Mat that he felt safe with. The next few weeks were long ones while I, with all the kids, had to take him to doctor visit after doctor visit where he was forced & held down by unknown people to lay still while they painfully would scrub the dead skin off his burnt chest and stomach..all without any pain relief medication. I think what made this all harder was the fact that Isaac still hadn't had the chance to really enjoy his new surroundings, or how to be able to take in being in places with many faces, many things to look at..to touch. He usually was really hard to handle when we were out and about. He made a huge ruckus wherever we went. This was something my bio. kids weren't used to. Eli,whose 3 is a very easy going, quite guy. All my kids are like that. Isaac on the other hand lives life like he's being given a shot of espresso through an IV drip 24 hours a day. My bio. kids just wanted life back to normal, I wanted life back to normal..& I don't doubt Isaac wanted his life back to his normal too. I would pray at night..."Lord, what have we done?" I feel ashamed now that I wasted so many nights wallowing in my fear of the newness of Isaac. But I laid many nights those first few weeks in my daughters room just dying to feel some sense of normalcy in my heart. I'm not sure why being with my kids was the most comforting vs. with my husband..but it was. I fell into a sort of depression. It was felt by everyone & it angered my husband. Isaac felt it & Eli did too. Eli, who had started talking before we left & usually signed all his needs no longer spoke at all in any fashion. His whole demeanor changed. He smiled less, & wanted to be held by me less..like he was mad at me. I think he was confused by Isaac being here. He was confused as to why mama & papa were holding this other kid, why was this other kid in his mama & papa's bed already when he would come down the hall to climb in? Isaac would be really rough with Eli and this would cause a bad reaction to him from my older kids...& from me. I hated seeing my little Eli being pushed around & I could tell he just wasn't happy. Isaac on the other hand had started finding a safe place with Ezekiel & Rubee while Mat was at work.
There's a saying that goes 'If Mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy.' I think I proved this.
I had to really get on my knees before the Lord and seek Him. I was confused, embarrassed & just worn out by all the intense emotions flying through my home. It was only by the grace of God that my funk wore off. He grabbed my hand & like in Isaiah 30: 21 says, my ears heard His voice behind me saying 'this is the way, walk in it.'
So I gave it all to the Lord and followed where He lead my heart. Now, instead of steering clear of Isaac because he thought he wanted me to, I forced myself to show immense amounts of affection towards him. & when I say I forced myself...I mean that whole heartily. I reached for his hand at the dinner table for prayer, but would subtly leave it there to hold onto his hand as long as he would tolerate it. Whenever he crossed my path I would kneel down & give him an unreturned hug. I even made a point to put Isaac & Eli down for naps at separate times so I could lay with each of them & spend that alone time with them. Before I would put them down at the same time for connivance & always laid with Eli because that was how we did it before Isaac came home.
Most times Isaac would allow me on his bed while I read to him, but once the book was done he'd push me off so I would just sit on the floor and put my head on the mattress. He wouldn't let me touch him though. I always tried :) During all this my kids started to have a different response to Isaac too. Even though he wasn't 100% on board with me giving him all this affection, it did have a positive affect on his behavior. Not to far into all this I bought a learning Russian program and really delved into it so I could have better communication with him. He became more aware of the fact that he liked having positive attention given to him. He little by little would seek me out for a hug or a kiss. Eli seemed to be more o-kay with me giving this much affection to Isaac as long as he got it too. The Lord each morning prepared my heart for greeting each of my kids. It was a nice change in my homes over all mood.
It was about 4 months ago when Isaac had his first really bad dream. As a mom, my ears are always on. I wake to the smallest sound. This one night I heard someone run down the hall & past our room. By the sound of Isaac's heavy footsteps I knew it was him. He usually runs into our room, but this night he ran past our door and stopped at the top of the stairs where he produced the most horrific terrified screaming. Without a thought I scooped my son into my arms & felt his arms wrap around me. It was the first time I realized my affection for him was more then %100 real. There was no forced comfort. It was the first time I whispered in his ear over & over "shhhh, mama's z'dyess...mama's here" and it was the first time I felt him feel safe with me. From that day on our relationship has just blossomed. Today, he wakes up every morning & hugs everyone in the house, even Nala and Brodie, our dogs. He's still living life like he's hooked up to the espresso IV drip 24/7, but now days were used to it. I know without a doubt today that I would never change him being a part of our family & that he would never choose to leave us. My kids all love him. His greatest bond is with Eli which is just what we wanted :) He's become Eli's spokes men since Eli is so passive (something we're working on in speech therapy)He's also really protective of Eli. The first time I noticed just how much was when we went for the boys evaluations for the special ed pre-school. One of the teachers offered to help me out by taking Eli's hand for me. Isaac protested loudly, let go of my hand and grabbed Eli from the teacher then lead him back to me. He hhmmmed, hmmmed Eli with a pointed finger for going with someone else. It was a great and proud moment to me. He let me know with this action that he knows we all belong together...and he's a part of that.
Anyway, so how does beautiful Dennis fit into all this you ask? Well, after begging and begging my husband to please let us go bring Dennis home he and my older kids confided in me that they just weren't ready yet for another little one to come home. I wish that things happened differently with Isaac. I fully believe that our rough start has put fear in their hearts for another child to come home. The kids let us know that their prepared for Levi to come home & still want him too...it's just the thought of someone else, and the long time away from them if we adopt from Ukraine again that their not to keen on. I think one of the plus sides to our adoption process of Levi was the fact that we got feedback. Pictures of him, gifts to send and updates on how he was doing. This process lets you build a different bond then you do with a still picture, not that we didn't bond with Isaac's cute little picture..cause we did. Bit Isaac was just that, a picture that was home in a blink of an eye & surrounded with to much going on's to just get to know & love in a smooth process. We've had a good talk with our kids to try to help them better understand that the situation with Isaac wasn't typical. It doesn't matter to them at this young age though. My heart hurts so much for Dennis. I still want to bring him home. I've even inquired about it with Andrea, looked into how we'd fund it and so on. I'll just keep praying. The hard part is I know Dennis just doesn't have a whole lot of time. I've even tried to make a deal with Mat saying we could adopt him, save him from his doom and try to find another family here for him. My husbands not on board though :( PLEASE, PLEASE PRAY FOR DENNIS TO HAVE A FAMILY COME FORWARD FOR HIM... thanks all. 
The boys getting ready to cheer on their brother with Papa.
Prayer time with the teams
The set up for the play
That's my guy "hiking" the ball
"GO ZEKE!" :D
They won!! Here they are running through our arms..the winners tunnel.
Cancer is something that has become so common place to hear about now days. I've even read a scary statistic that said 3 out of 5 children today will someday battle cancer in some fashion during their life span. As a child I never heard of cancer, never knew anyone with it. Today, I know Lauren, a beautiful 6 year old who fights for her life. I know my dear friend Terri, she battles cervical cancer. My father in-laws wife has won her battle, & so has my 18 year old cousin Samuel. That's a lot of cancer. Anyway, the other day while reading on Lauren's blog http://laurennihei.blogspot.com/ Rubee asked if she could cut her hair to be able to donate it for a child's wig to be made. "You sure, Rue?" ~"It's just hair mom, it'll grow back." I love my kids! :)
If you or a little one you have would like to donate your hair to be able to be used for a cancer victims wig you can go here to find out all the information you'll need. http://www.locksoflove.org/ 
Zeke about to be our driver on Indiana Jones....I LOVE this ride!
My goofy with thee Goofy :)
Love you Levi. 
